Welcome to The Bachelorette fake-out edition.
It’s that time in the season when it’s harder to maintain suspense and producers have to pull out more tricks, which is why we spent a considerable amount of Monday’s episode on the nonsense that Becca Kufrin might send football hunk Colton Underwood home because he confessed to being a virgin.
That was about as likely as stuntman Leo Dottavio getting the final hometown rose, which is to say not at all.
And Blake Horstmann’s angst over the status of his relationship with Becca might have been real, but there was zero chance that he wasn’t getting a rose, no matter how much time was devoted to him fretting that Becca was no longer that into him.
Garrett Yrigoyen was likewise a lock for a rose. That left just one flower up in the air and even that was fairly predictable. I was pulling for graphic designer Wills Reid, but it went to banker Jason Tartick instead.
So Becca will visit four hometowns in next week’s show, after which I expect either Jason or Colton to go home.
Here’s how Monday’s episode rolled.
Date No. 1 with Colton: Becca and her final six were in the Bahamas, which meant lots of beach shots, particularly well suited for a good-looking guy like Colton. Whatever else she felt about him, Becca had clearly been lusting after the ex-NFLer for a while. So we had her commenting about Colton looking like a “bronzed god” and how she was willing to let him “do whatever he wants to do” as they got smoochy and handsy on the deck of a yacht, a deliberate contrast with the viewers’ knowledge that Colton was a virgin and the other men’s speculation that his virginity would turn Becca off.
And then, because subtlety is not one of the show’s virtues, we had a man named Action roar up in a speed boat to teach Colton and Becca how to dive for conch, lasciviously telling them they should pull out and eat its “pistol,” a.k.a. “Bahamian Viagra.”
“You’ll be able to please her and not tease her,” Action smiled.
“I’m just hoping Colton dives deep for that conch,” said Becca.
Um, double entendre much?
They got their conch, they tried the pistols — and from the faces they made it must have tasted awful — and then they did a whole lot more kissing, with Becca insisting she and Colton didn’t need an aphrodisiac.
Becca, good sport that she is, played along with the no rose for Colton fiction by pretending that Colton might not get one if he dropped a “crazy bomb” and then Colton dropped a bomb — although really it was more like a firecracker — about not having done the deed. Becca thanked him for telling her then walked away from the table.
It’s the same dumb trick pulled in Arie’s Bachelor season on a date with his runner-up and eventual fiancée Lauren. Becca pretended to be deep in thought then came back and gave Colton the rose like we all knew she would, praising his “honesty.” Then they got back to doing what they really wanted to do, which was kiss some more.
Date No. 2 with Garrett: Physical attraction is clearly also a big part of Becca’s connection with Garrett. They had their own From Here to Eternity-style moment of making out in the surf after their seaplane ride and Becca talked about how much she loved “being in his arms,” but she also mentioned his constant smile and ability to make her laugh.
The obligatory serious conversation came at dinner when Becca quizzed Garrett about his relationship with his ex-wife. What made him commit to her despite the red flags, she wondered. Garrett said it was immaturity and putting his desire to be a family man ahead of everything else.
But what if Garrett was doing the Bachelorette thing with Becca just because “you like the idea of this,” she asked.
Garrett promised he’d speak up if he saw red flags and then he told Becca he was beginning to fall in love with her.
“Mmmm, you just made my night,” Becca cooed.
She handed over the rose and then they stripped down to bathing suits and did some serious smooching in the ocean. Whether the suits stayed on is an open question.
Date No. 3 with Blake: Every date card that didn’t have Blake’s name on it had him complaining: it was a “slap in the face”; it was “killing” him; he was “second guessing everything.”
Then Becca put him out of his misery with a hanging-on-the-beach date, which included Blake busting some not bad for a white guy moves as the Baha Men performed a new song that is not the next “Who Let the Dogs Out” (and yes, there was a dog there).
Becca sympathized with Blake “freaking out” over her other dates but told him she felt strongly for multiple people, which was not what he wanted to hear. At dinner, they talked about his parents’ divorce and the fact it was other kids at school and not his folks who told him his mother was having an affair with his English teacher, which made him determined to be open with his own children someday.
However, after Blake told Becca he was in love with her, she confessed (not to him) that she felt the same way and she “100 per cent” could see him as her husband.
“It’s just something I can’t even put into words, but I feel like my heart just recognizes his,” she said tearfully.
They ended the date with the ever popular kissing up against a wall.
Date No. 4 with Jason, Wills and Leo: It was obvious Leo was a dead man walking going into this three-on-one. He got his one-on-one way late in the season and, despite multiple smooches, there didn’t seem to be much of a connection between him and Becca. Jason seemed the likeliest choice for a hometown date even though he also had a late one-on-one, given the sparks between him and Becca on that rendezvous. But there was still a slim chance for Becca’s fellow nerd (and possibly future Bachelor) Wills.
Two things made it pretty clear Wills was about to get dumped: the way Becca looked down and away when he told her he was falling more and more in love with her; and the fact she looked much more comfortable kissing Jason than Wills.
She kissed Leo too, but when he told Becca he wasn’t ready to get down on one knee like some of the other guys, it gave her an opening to send him home right away.
Later she claimed that keeping Jason was risky because he hadn’t been as vocal about his feelings, but the body language was clear. Kissing Jason, she leaned into him and made noises of appreciation; kissing Wills, even though they smooched a lot, her upper body was rigid.
Poor Wills. He even teared up when he told Becca she’d made him believe in love and happiness and kindness and hope and “being a really great man.” Becca sent him off with a hug and the assurance that “you’re gonna find your person.”
Wills said that was the worst thing she could say “because that means she’s not my person.” Then he asked to be let out of the SUV to have a cry by the side of the road.
Next week it looks like everybody’s parents have some issues with Becca potentially breaking their sons’ hearts on hometowns and something makes Tia “sick to my stomach.”
You can watch Monday at 8 p.m. on City.
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